What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:46
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why did my ex move on so quickly?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
Do people have to be a pastor to baptize?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do some people enjoy being dominated?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why should the law care about what I do behind closed doors?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
I have no regrets .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
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When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I was very sick at this time too.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Is it normal to hate my dog, but feel too guilty to get rid of him?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is soul school!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It was going to be , some day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
I will be 64.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She loved him until the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!